Four years ago this month I started this blog. It was an experiment, and an easy way for me to post some pictures of some old gadgetry from my collection and share some essays about things that fascinated me. Over time it evolved into something else - a chronicle of travels, adventures, what I was thinking, what made me happy or sad or angry. I've been fortunate to receive some kind comments, and I've also had the privilege of embarrassing myself a time or two in front of a worldwide audience.
What had started as an "every now and then" posting system quickly became a daily posting, and each day I'd find something to write about. If I couldn't, I took the cheap way out and just posted a link to a clip or a "back tomorrow." The material ebbed and flowed, depending on how I felt and what caught my fancy. I always maintained I'd keep posting as long as I was having fun with it, and that the moment it felt like work, I'd stop.
But if you've fallen into a habit, you know what it's like. I don't know what compelled me to keep posting day after day after day, even when I had nothing worth saying. It's not like I'd get a prize for an uninterrupted string of weekday postings. Along the way, I confused quantity and quality, and posting every day is worthless unless you have something worth saying or sharing. I haven't really accepted it, but the inevitable has happened. I'm out of steam, and have been for a while. I realize that's a hell of a thing coming from someone who's made a living out of writing, but there you are. I've stopped having as much fun with it.
Then there's the work factor. Once I was eager to haul my gadgetry out, photograph it, and write these enthusiastic posts. Or I'd go into my footage collection, take a bunch of screen captures and Photoshop them, and go wild about how it was done back in the day. Four years ago I was eager to share that enthusiasm and spend the time on all that work. I don't know if it's the grind of the day job or what it is, but my enthusiasm for that isn't what it once was. I feel badly about that, for those were among my favorite posts. I wish I could recapture that energy and enthusiasm, but it's missing these days. I'd rather come home and read a book or do something else. I've written an awful lot, and now I want to enjoy the pleasures of reading and listening to other voices and other stories. I want those voices and stories to inspire me anew, all the better to help me improve my craft.
Most of all, there's the personal factor. I'm a different person from the one who started this blog. Back then I was goofier, nerdier, perhaps overidentifying with my inner Liz Lemon. But I defy anybody not to change over any four years of his or her life. That's especially true the closer I get to 40, and it's been especially pronounced in the last year. I can't put my finger on exactly what happened; it's a confluence of factors producing a result long overdue. I can still be goofy, and I'll always be nerdy (and, yes, Liz Lemon will forever bring a nod of recognition from me). But there's now a seriousness and a purpose that wasn't there when I started this blog way back when. I've grown up an awful lot, and there's a peace in me that wasn't there four years ago. I've found the joy of quiet inner satisfaction. I don't feel the need to bleat my enthusiasms the way I once did, and the deeper we get into the weird world of Web 2.0, the more I believe that's a good thing. I no longer feel the need to prove myself to anyone else. I'm happy to be the only audience I really need to satisfy, and no longer feel the need to justify my enthusiasms to anyone other than myself. Sure, on occasion I enjoy sharing those interests, but on my own terms.
The me that's here in 2012 is content. Not all my problems are solved; there are a few things I'll be working on in the coming years, but we all do. Even with that, I have a deep peace and contentment I didn't have back then. I have a better grip on what matters. I've been through struggles, and I've watched people I love go through ordeals that make my own look like amateur night, and all that has given me valuable perspective. Sure, there are things I haven't achieved, but I see them as tomorrow's challenges. I have strategies for those things, and I know I can get it all done, because I've done harder stuff before. I know (to adapt a line from one of my favorite films) that it's over there, and it's only a matter of going.
I've learned what I really want to do and what's really worth worrying about. I now know as well that so many things I really want, and the things that really matter, have always been here - if only I'd take a moment to realize that. And even in the things I have yet to figure out, I'm grateful for those unanswered questions - that search, that quest, that longing makes life the adventure it needs to be. I always want to seek that new dawn just ahead. Even if I never find the answer, the search is an adventure and an education, and the effort often ends up being the true reward. Fulfillment can be wonderful, but the real value comes from the quest.
So, what does all this mean for the website? It's not going away. But the updates will become less frequent. This, for instance, is the last of the daily posts, at least for the foreseeable future. I'm giving myself some desperately-needed time off. How much time, I don't know, but I'll know when it's time to stop back by. When I do return, it'll be on a different basis; I'll post on whatever basis I feel is appropriate, when I have something of value, and when it's fun for me to share. The next chapter in the blog's life is to be about quality instead of frequency, and I believe you'll appreciate it more if I do that. There are several things I've wanted to write about that I just haven't had time to put together, and I hope having more time between posts will finally give me the time and brainpower I need to do those subjects "rite."
Finally, I need to thank all of you who have read, written, e-mailed, commented, or otherwise demonstrated that, one way or another, you cared. Even with all their ups and downs, I can't look back over the last four years without thinking about how much fun I've had, and how much fun it's been - and y'all have had more than a little to do with that.
To all of you, thank you. I'll be back.
