There are times I am thankful I'm a teacher of journalism and no longer an active journalist, because sometimes it's a heartbreaking duty. Sunday reminded me of this.
There's a saying I share with my students, that "a good day for a journalist sometimes means a bad day for somebody else." Sometimes those bad days come completely and cruelly out of the blue, and what happened in Las Vegas on Sunday was just such a thing. We were tuned in when it happened, and watched the whole story as it progressed. It was a spectacular crash, and we saw a bunch of cars flying, but we've seen a lot of those and most of the time, everybody walked away. Because the cars and the tracks are a lot safer now, right? The red flag was a given, because there was too much junk on the track to continue.
The first thing I do when I see a crash on television is to see if everybody's okay. This one was scary enough that I held my breath for a little bit longer. Details were slow in coming on the television. I jumped online to get more information, even going to Twitter (heh...big mistake, for Twitter is the world's largest game of Telephone) to see if anybody on the scene had anything to add. An initial report there had everybody being okay. Yet when I looked at the television pictures, there was a car with a tarp over it. Uh-oh. Suddenly, memories of Daytona and 2001.
Interviews started to pop up on the screen. A shaken Paul Tracy, outside the track care center, said his thoughts were with Dan Wheldon because (and I'm reconstructing this quote from memory) "that kind of injury will mean a long recovery." Uh-oh. Medevac helicopter sitting there idling for what seems like a few too many minutes before finally lifting off. Again, like the ambulance driving to Halifax Medical Center ten and a half years ago, it's all taking just a little too long for comfort.
Without anyone saying it, this was no longer a sporting event. It was a televised vigil. It's one of those times when I know what the reporters are having to do, and what the people in the booth are trying to do: gather information at a time when not many people have that much to say, or that much they can share - and, at the same time, trying to verify what they do find out, and trying to figure out not only what's worth sharing but what's appropriate to share. It's a difficult thing for a journalist, especially if it's with people you know well, as motorsports journalists know the racers; you know they probably don't feel like talking, or that they can't tell you much, but it's your professional obligation to do your job. The gifted ones are able to do this with the finesse appropriate for the moment. Me, I'm unable, period. I have an aversion to being in places where I'm not welcome, and talking to people about things they don't want to discuss. For that reason, I feel for those who have to do that job; it can't be easy. But I'm also thinking, "I'm sure glad it's not me having to ask the questions." (A selfish thing to think, I know, but entirely human.)
The longer we went without word, the more I steeled myself for what was likely to come. When I saw Danica Patrick being consoled by her husband and a team member, something about that scene said, "They know something we don't, and it's not good news." The same was true of the broadcast team. No matter how hopeful the words they spoke, the somber tone of their voices betrayed the cruel probability that they knew something, but couldn't say anything until it was officially confirmed. There's this funny ache I get in the front of my head when something horrible has happened, and it started to come on - along with the same feeling I had that cold morning in February 2003 when multiple targets were reported over Texas and I knew we had lost a space shuttle. It's wondering, "Okay, do I cry or do I go outside and throw up?"
A while later the drivers started to file out of the called meeting, and their drawn faces spoke volumes. A close-up of a weeping Tony Kanaan told me everything. The official announcement a few moments later -- "unsurvivable injuries" -- was but a formality. We already knew.
There followed the five most somber laps I have ever seen on a race track. Not three hours before, Dan Wheldon had been as alive as you can be, a day or two away from announcing a well-earned new full-time ride for 2012, eager to end the season on a high note, no doubt looking forward to defending his Indy 500 title next May, and he'd just given an in-car report to ABC from down on the track before the race got underway. Now he was dead, and the very same cars against which he'd competed three hours before, their drivers united in sudden grief, were circling the track in tribute to him. I've never heard the roar of engines sound so plaintive in my life.
I never closely followed Dan Wheldon, but I sure did like him. He was a guy you could be happy for when he won. For some reason his goofy smile and buoyant personality reminded me of Austin Powers, and we took to calling him "Austin Wheldon." After he got his teeth worked on a few years ago, we called him "ol' Chompers." Perhaps no win I'd witnessed in the series to that date made me as happy as his surprise win at this year's Indy 500. Here was a guy who didn't have a regular ride (and that in itself was a shame), drove a smart race, and was in the right place at the right moment. I'll never forget the pure surprise and emotion on his face and in his voice; so much had gone wrong for him up to that point, and yet he'd just won the biggest race you could win, in a very unexpected way. It was exhilarating.
Even if you don't ever meet these people, you still get to know them through watching them on television, and it's inevitable you develop feelings for them, no matter how irrational you know it may be. I never met Dan Wheldon, but he became a familiar presence on television and on the racetrack. We even got to see him race in person at the 24 Hours of Daytona a few times, including his team's triumph in 2006. He had a lot more wins ahead of him. I was looking forward to watching him for many more years to come. And now, just like that, he's gone.
I know motorsports will always be a dance with mortality. I've always known this, because the list of racers who died in their prime is much too lengthy.
But, damn it, it still doesn't make what happened Sunday any less cruel.